Riiise and shiiinnee, friends! It’s a new day, and it couldn’t have come a moment too soon. 2019 was a wild dream, huh. Or was it a nightmare?
We show up to class and, ugh, pop quiz. We only SparkNotes’d the assigned reading- have you seen how long the Mueller report is? – but grades don’t matter because mom and dad paid for SAT scores, anyway.
Suddenly we’re in the sky, suspended between Brexit, impeachment and primaries. We land on a battlefield, where the games among superheroes and Starks have ended. Shouts echo from children upset over the earth’s condition. Tears flow for statesmen, songbirds and storytellers.
We make our way to the Old Town Road and find it lined with familiar faces: Megan Rapinoe saying sorry to this man (who is making his way to the DMZ); Jeopardy James giving answers in the form of questions; Beyoncé leading the Homecoming parade.
Then it turns into a weird pregnancy dream and, oh, God, is that . . . Baby Yoda?!
BEEP BEEP BEEP. Phew, it’s over. But 2020 is just starting.
So let’s quit hitting snooze. We’re painfully awake, and it’s time to take a good, hard look at what’s ahead. What, think we can’t see into the future? Girlfriend, you are so on.
– – –
Out. . . In
Nationals parade route . . . Mystics parade route
2020 . . . 2024
Oat milk latte . . . Anaerobic coffee
“Climate change”. . . “Climate crisis”
Baldwin on SNL . . . Bowen on SNL
“Read the transcript!” . . . Read John Bolton’s book
Offloading Redskins season tickets . . . Buying defenders season tickets
Sequels every few years . . . Sequels every 30 years
Food delivery . . . Beverage delivery
Women left behind on Earth . . . Women leaving Earth behind
Bailey . . . Bruce
Cancel culture . . . Cancel subscription
Dolly Parton . . . Dolly Parton
TikTok passion . . . Tick tock fashion
Farewell, Rendon . . . Stay forever, Soto
Diner interviews . . . Farmer interviews
What is cinema? . . . What is television?
Cursed energy . . . Dark energy
Sans serif . . . Serif
Blush painted rooms . . . Black painted rooms
Birds . . . “Birds of Prey”
California sober . . . Washington drunk
Shutting down local newspaper . . . Starting fake local newspapers
Mocking VSCO girls . . . Leaving teen girls alon
Butt dials from Rudy . . . Jury trials with Rudy
“Friends” with Netflix . . . “Friends” with HBO Max
Libra as currency . . . Libras as boyfriends
Billionaires . . . 401(k) millionaires
Hot workouts . . . Cold workouts
Worrying about your kids’ screen time . . . Worrying about your boomers’ screen time
Death Stranding . . . Death positivity
Elderberry . . . Elder candidates
Big Pharma . . . “Jagged Little Pill”
When will Tom Brady retire? . . . Has Tom Brady already retired?
Self-care . . . Self-loathing
“Lol, Quibi” . . . “Okay, fine, what’s Quibi?”
Ivanka 2020 . . . Lara 2020
Selling to Gen Z . . . Selling to Gen Alpha
Country Lukes . . . Country Tenilles
Living in “1984” . . . Revisiting 1984
Off-White . . . On sneakers
Fed up with Kanye . . . Fed up with Grimes
Council Member Jack Evans . . . Private citizen Jack Evans
Living coral . . . Classic blue
Smokey Bear . . . “Little Fires Everywhere”
Buying influence at Trump’s hotel . . . Buying Trump’s hotel
Blueface . . . Roddy Ricch
Milos . . . Mallorca
Electability . . . Voting your conscience